01/10 - Rough in the Jungle

With 3 nights in the ghost town that is Vientaine, we were determined to extract some fun out of our stay. I had the bright idea of a DIY jungle trek to the national park of Phou Khou Kuai, 50 kms away. Now Cong Soi and Si Phong are possibly not the most energetic people in the world, so I invoked my "five points of wisdom" for introducing weaklings to the joys of physical activity:

 

1. Preparation. A quick door to door the day before had revealed that there was only one operator doing hiking tours at the national park, and for a princely sum of $60 a head. Hell no. I KNEW I could put together a fantastic experience for a fraction of the price!!! Being a project manager, I ensured that we departed the next day with a plan. Unfortunately the extent of this plan was the name of a village scrawled on a piece of paper. Using various modes of transport (which we seemed to be exchanging considerably more notes for than the locals) we finally got to the tiny rural village of Ban Hatkai about 2 hours later than planned and just in time for the hottest part of the day. We had been told that Ban Hatkai represented Lao village life at its simplest and most unspoilt, but for simple farming folk these guys sure had a wicked commercial streak as they rapidly wrote out an eyebrow raising inventory of costs for guiding us to the Tad Leuk waterfall.

 

2. Start with a hearty meal. Once we'd befriended the villagers and agreed a price, they brought us some of their local fare to eat. Days old sticky rice, garnished liberally with dead ants, pickled cabbage with congealed pigs skin and half rotten duck eggs. All washed down with a tall jug of (the semi-lethal) tap water...yum yum!!! With a stomach hardened by years of eating from an uncleaned breakfast bowl at work, I scoffed away with impunity, but the girls skipped lunch and hardly ate a bite...perfect prep for a nice long hike!

 

3. Keep it short and enjoyable. On paper, a 7km round trip to a waterfall and back didn't seem so bad. Unfortunately, the gentle stroll quickly degenerated in to a death march. First off, we had a 1 hour boat trip under the burning sun on a tiny, shaky skiff that left us nicely dehydrated before the walking had even started. The walk itself turned out to be an steep uphill through primary jungle that was infested with hornets, mosquitos, fire ants and folliage that clawed at skin from every angle. Si Phong was in her flip flops and slipped several times on the slithery surfaces. By the time we had got to the waterfall, the girls were covered in bruises, cuts and numerous ugly looking insect bites, while I was largely untouched...looks like their blood is far sweeter than mine. Worse still, Cong Soi had developed a banging headache and was looking pretty ill.

 

4. After the activity is over, arrange a swift journey back to a hot shower and food. Except that in this case, the villagers only drove as far as the end of

 a dirt track before depositing us on a road in the middle of nowhere with dusk approaching, ripping us off to the tune of $12 in the process. At this point, Cong Soi had developed severe nausea and was vomitting on the side of the road. After about 45 minutes wait, we hitched a lift of a passing truck where we got to realise our dreams of being in one of those photos from India, where fifty people hang off the roof of a pickup truck tucked in between the chickens and goats. By the end of the 2 hour drive, even my hardened roadie's butt was in spasms after being perched out on a hard ledge for too long. By this point, Cong Soi and Si Phong had made it in to the covered trailer where the local men stared at them and made lewd jokes to each other. The journey seemed to take forever, and every bump on the rough, rough roads reverberated through every bone of my contorted body. Fortunately I had my GPS to hand, and was able to provide regular reports to the girls about just how slowly we were travelling. Having been ripped off at every possible opportunity that day, I suddenly became conscious of showing off this whizzy satelite technology to my fellow cattle on the truck, and took to holding it to my ear and pretending it was a rather large mobile phone while sneaking a peak at our position.

 

5. And finally, if you get all of these elements correct, lap up the praise from your delighted companions. "It was the worse day I've ever had on Holiday" said Cong Soi, "Never again, you prick" enthused Si Phong.

 

So possibly not the best day trip we've ever experienced, but at least we didn't end up in Widnes.